The Issue of Respect

To whom do we owe respect? First and foremost, we owe respect to God. Do we esteem Him? Do we defer to Him the proper acknowledgement of who He is? Do we truly follow Him? If we want to call ourselves followers of Christ, we should avoid violating His laws and his will for us. How often do we go through our daily lives, hardly giving a thought to God until we need him desperately and then call on Him to come help us. Is that respect? It is in those desperate times that I am most aware of the inadequacy of my reverence to God.

There are others we should show respect to. Our employer, police, our president and public officials (regardless of your political beliefs, respect the office being held.) The Bible clearly tells us to honor our parents and those in authority over us.

But the one that has been weighing heaviest on my heart lately, is the respect that women should show men. Especially a wife’s respect to her husband. A sensitive issue, I know. But I think it is largely misunderstood. And if we want to change this feminist I’m-just-as-good-as-any-man-or-better culture of attitude into one that God has ordained, shouldn’t we start with our daughters? They need to see respect for men modeled for them. And we must be careful about our words. I’m finding that even young girls have already had seeds of disrespect for the opposite sex sown in their lives. Maybe through their own mother, another relative, or a bad experience with their father or other man in their life.

I, of all people, have every reason to have lost respect for men, from a worldview. I was treated very poorly in a previous marriage. But somehow, by God’s grace, I still know how important it is to show men proper respect. And He helps me catch myself when I stray from how he wants me to treat my husband. But more than that, I want to respect my husband. He is an honorable, hard-working man who makes it easy to respect him. And if others disrespect him, I get indignant. He is my husband whom I love, whom God has put in my life and in a position of authority as a man, husband, and father, and he deserves respect.

Mary May Larmoyeux wrote an article about 15 things wives should stop doing. Of those, at least half are rooted in respect.  

Some gleanings of grace from Mary May Larmoyeux (italics mine)

1. Stop thinking that your way is the “right” way. If he does something differently, it does not mean that it’s wrong. When a wife insists on having her own way, she is in essence saying, “I have to be in control.”

And maybe he’s hearing, “You’re wrong,” or “That’s dumb.” Oh, that I would never cause my husband to think that.

2. Don’t put others before your husband. God designed companionship in marriage so that a husband and wife can meet one another’s need for a close, intimate, human relationship. He even said in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone.”

So what happens when you put your mother, a friend, or even a child before your spouse? Actually, you take a step (often unintentional) toward isolation in your marriage. If you choose, for example, to spend an afternoon shopping with your mom when your husband asked you to watch a football game with him, you may leave hubby feeling that he has second place in your heart.

When we get married we don’t stop being a daughter, sister, aunt, niece or friend and it is important to keep those relationships strong. But when it becomes out of balance, you risk creating a great divide in your relationships.

4. Don’t dishonor your husband. Suggestions included: Stop all nagging and don’t correct hubby in front of others. If you finish your husband’s sentences, you may be unintentionally communicating, “I don’t really care about what you have to say.”

Oh, this cuts to the quick. Have you mastered the art of interruption like me? Our kids are becoming experts as well. But it is something I have noticed in all of us and it is my goal to call myself out on it, as well as the kids. Fortunately, my husband makes it easier for us to notice what we’re doing as he stops mid-sentence and just stares at the offending party.

5. Stop expecting your husband to fail you as your dad failed your mom. “I spent many years waiting for my husband to give up and walk out on me, like my dad had years earlier,” said one friend. Her unfounded fears had robbed her marriage of much joy.

May we never allow Satan to use our bad experiences as an excuse for our bad behavior and lack of respect.

6. Don’t put your husband on the defensive. For example, if you are driving around a section of town looking for a restaurant and he’s obviously lost, does it really help for you to tell him that he’s been going around the same block for the fifth time? One wise wife said that she’s learned to be quiet in situations like this. Now, before she makes a comment, she weighs her words—asking herself: “Are my words needed? Would they be encouraging?” Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”

In other words, I should bite my tongue more. What did mom teach us? If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

9. Don’t make your husband earn your respect.  Many women think, I’ll respect him when he earns it. But there’s a reason that Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  As one friend said: “If women could learn to understand that respect is a man's native tongue, that it absolutely heals his heart and ministers to him like nothing else, it would make the biggest difference in the world.”

Every man certainly must have some qualities that you can respect. Look for those. Appreciate and encourage them in those qualities. If you can’t think of any, pray for God to reveal them to you.

13. Put an end to taking the lead because you think he won't take it. “The first many years of our marriage,” one wife said, “I would see what needed to be done and get frustrated that my husband would not take charge and get it done.” She went on to say that she’s changed by learning to wait on her husband’s leadership. “I really believe,” she says, “that our men don't lead because we women are too quick to jump in and take care of it all.” 

Ephesians 5:23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body … .”

(For more gleanings from Mary, visit http://www.familylife.com/about-us/biographies/featured-authors/mary-may-larmoyeux)

A final thought...respect is NOT about being a doormat, submitting to evil, or abuse. If you are experiencing these, please do what I once didn't, and seek counseling. While I am not a counselor, I have a heart for you. You can contact me by comment or e-mail at agraceandmercylife@gmail.com and I will do my best to point you to some Christian resources.

I welcome comments seasoned with grace.